spooning

once upon a time i would curl against your back with my arm draped around your waist, my hand on your heart. i could feel it beating. you were warm and comforting. as my belly grew, this position became the only way we could be comfortably close. i would press against you and say "did you feel that?" as the baby kicked against your back. i wanted to share his life with you and, as if he knew, he would wake up in the night to greet you.

now in this position, i feel no comfort, no warmth, no shared joy. there is only the reminder of the betrayel of my flesh. my empty core. my silent son.