self flagellating

i vow to never make an ass of myself again. no matter how tempting.

the ring

today, i am going to bury my mother.
she's been dead for almost a year.
i will put her ashes in the ground.
today, i am wearing her ring on my finger.
i remember this ring on her finger.
it looks out of place on mine.

i don't know what to say.
words are too big and filling.
i can only express it with silence.

isn't this how we usually honor our dead?
with a moment of silence?
words are clowns. cluttered into a small car.
they are garish and loud. honking horns and painted faces.
they are out of place in this black crepe arena.
they are playing for the wrong crowd.

stop looking at me.

in the interest of saving humanity,
i would like to say that my knees have gone numb.
this of course, would be a lie.
the only thing i've ever been interested in saving,
is my own sorry ass.
for that, i would shave my head and cover my body in ashes.

no, no, no, don't pass me over. no , no, no, don't pass me by....

i did it. sort of. well, not really. actually, now that i'm thinking about it, i didn't do it at all. i wanted to run away. i had every intention of doing just that. i was making plans. but, somehow, somewhere along the line, i just stopped thinking. literally. i switched to automatic pilot. it was good. i feel.......better? clearer? i'm not saying that i'm not going to fall into the pit again. hell, i can probably promise that i will. but, for now, i feel like i'm on semi-solid ground. things are ok. maybe better than ok. maybe things are, good? it's been a while so i'm still feeling my way. you could say that i was cured by some jasmine green tea and a fall in the ocean. oh yeah, and some pig tails were just the icing on the cake.