i feel like i'm breaking

i can't get the image of him out of my head. his arm limply falls to his side over and over and over inside my head.

i want his eyes to open again.

if i had a baseball bat or a crowbar i would bash all your windows in

tonight i got so angry. at a car sitting in front of my driveway. at my neighbors.
at my husband. at the police. at a memory. at the way my life has changed. at the way it is the same. at the feeling in my stomach. at my lack of control. at the constant reminder in the mirror.

at the death certificate that arrived in the mail.

the crossing guard

as she spies me from across the street i see her eyes narrow.
i see the wheels turning.
cogs and screws screeching into action as she impatiently crosses traffic.
coming closer she makes a rounded motion by her belly.
"did you..." she glances down at my stomach and stops.
tentative now,"did you have your baby?"
"yes." i answer.
she nods her head and looks away. eyeing her cross of asphalt.
there is no danger here.
she looks back at me, "everything ok?"
"no," i manage to say before my throat closes.
and suddenly here i am, in the middle of downtown milwaukee, falling apart.
crumbling in the busy intersection my boy will never see.
being held by the crossing guard who will never help him cross the street.

my son, my own

when i stop crying i will be lost
lost in that place without memory
or feeling
the disconnect between head and heart
a twisted wire

when i stop crying i shall start to scream
i will scream at the top of my lungs
and beg for strength to refuse the air
to shut my eyes to the morning
to the sun

when i am through screaming i will bleed
my blood will be anguish
it will pool around my ankles
cover my thighs
breasts
mouth, eyes
i will bleed every drop for you

for every tear you could not cry
for every word you could not say
for every gesture you could not make
i cry, scream, bleed, die
a thousand deaths

and my thousand deaths will never equal your one.