i will see you when the sun rises

today i forgot tennyson's middle name. it was just for a few seconds but it was a punch in the stomach. i've been thinking about him a lot. i need to do something. something i can touch. so that he's not just in my head.

my mother

i never know what brings it on. suddenly i'll find myself just really missing my mom. i can go days, weeks without thinking about her and then WHAM! it's like a blow to the chest. i think "my god, she would love this." as soren talks to me from the living room or greenleaf sings one of her weird made up songs. she knew what to do when someone was sick and she had the best recipes stored in her head. she knew just how to symapthize with you when you just needed someone to be on your side. people like to act like they "know" exactly what happens when someone dies, "they go to heaven or hell." i'm not so sure it's that cut and dry. i'm not worried about mom's immortal soul, i think she's safe, and i hope she's happy. i do wonder where she is and what she's doing "oh, she's worshipping god." how boring. i hope she's doing something more interesting than that. i hope she's doing the things that she couldn't do in life because her sick body held her back. i hope she's floating in some warm crystal clear water off a beautiful beach. i hope she's swimming with dolphins. it would be just as easy to worship god from the water don't you think? maybe more so.