dream a little dream

i had a dream that my husband died.
standing in the funeral home my father strikes up the band and asks me to dance.
we clasp hands and hold them high above our heads as we put one foot in front of the other.
a repetitive dance.
something seen in a movie.
we dance faster and faster and i spin with my hands still in the air.
i know that as long as i dance i won't be able to crawl into the open casket and close the lid on my life..

at home i stand inside a closet looking at our clothes.
his are pushed aside as he steps out from behind them.
he smiles at me and i think that maybe he has come back forever.
this is not the case.
he steps back behind the garments and is gone.

i wake up and cuddle closer to my husbands warm back before drifting off again..

i am standing with my brother, the police officer.
he has been called to a crime scene and i accompany him.
there is a shot and my brother, the police officer, falls to the ground with a hole in his chest.
i kneel at his side and i know that he will be alright.
i tell people that he will be alright.
the ambulance is coming.
he will live.
there is another shot.
the top of my brother's, the police officer, head disapears.
his eyes stare blankly up at the sky.

i wake up with the disturbing notion that tonight, death is actively pursuing my family.
and i wonder who's death sentence i am signing as my eyes close again.