i remember my first kiss. his name was randy. we were 12. he invited me to go with him to a dance and i said yes. i had a new shirt. white with fringe. i thought i looked nice. like someone special. i don't remember much of the dance except singing along too loud to a gloria estaban song while we swayed back and forth, his pre-teen hands around my waist. afterwards, his mom drove us home and he walked me to my door. my back porch was hidden from view by a large,red,privacy fence. on the porch i turned, smiled and started to say something but i never found out what. he grabbed my arms and leaned his head down to mine his eyes squeezed shut and a desperate "now or never" look upon his hairless face. his lips were surprisingly soft. i remember thinking "oh god, i'm being kissed. this isn't so bad, but what am i supposed to do with my hands?" just as i had decided that it would probably be safe to put my hands on his shoulders i felt his tongue pushing against my lips. i think i was so startled i gasped. i stood there for i don't know how long, arms at my side, with his tongue in my mouth and then...i giggled. poor randy, having giggled once, i was incapable of stopping. i'll say it again, poor randy. he dropped his hands and took a step back his face blank as i continued to giggle and grasp blindly for the screen door. i think i might have even given him a couple little pats on the chest with my hand before i went inside.
he never spoke to me again.
funny, how i remember that. it's so clear.
last night i lay in bed trying to remember our first kiss. i remember where it was and i know that we debate about who actually kissed whom but other than that....nothing. a complete blank. was it short or long? was it passionate? was it hesitant? full of longing? were your hands on my face? my arms? my waist? did i close my eyes? did our tongues meet? did i suck on your bottom lip the way i like to do now?
i can't remember.
i mourn this loss as if it were a death.
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